words from the stupid scientist

the aftermath

2008-10-07T18:06:00.003+01:00

the argument exploded into something totally out of proportions. i was trying to tell him on the phone that i was upset at being taken for granted, and that he does not show much appreciation for the things that i do. the least he can do is to reciprocate some of the things that i do!

i was feeling a bit low and depressed at being treated this way, and on the phone, i cited a few examples to justify what made me feel that way. the examples include him staying over at my place and leaving first thing in the morning, about him not offering to share cost burden when at my place, and about me not receiving any little gifts after months of knowing him.

my requests were simple and not at all demanding. i just wish he can hang around for a bit on sunday mornings instead of rushing off. it will also be nice if he offers to pay for certain things that we do together instead of me purchasing all the things. and it will be very sweet if he reciprocates with small little gifts as nice gestures.

unfortunately, as always, my words were misinterpreted. he thought that i was being nasty and trying to attack him. maybe my delivery method was a bit harsh, but i just wanted him to realise what he was doing. it's not as if i am making up stories to stab at him. they are all facts! instead of apologising and saying that he will try to do better, which will quickly defuse the situation, it ended up in a shouting match...

it resulted in him avoiding me for 3 days. i asked why he was ignoring me, and he said he was not, which got me dumbfounded. if that was not considered ignoring me, then what was it? i was really really upset during that 3 days. i could not even go about doing my daily routine. it felt as if time had stopped. did i really deserve such a treatment after i had said something which i felt i was being mistreated, but had somehow annoyed him? by not hearing from him, i feared that something could have happened to him and i wondered if he was in hospital. his attitude gave me a mental breakdown.

i feel that things can only move forward and things resolved if there is communication. when the communication channels are blocked, nothing can proceed. instead, the situation will only get more inflamed and result in bigger resentments.

Being FINICKY

2008-10-06T17:31:00.005+01:00

He said, why are you so finicky? that was said a long time back ago but it still rings in my head. we were at the cinema arguing over who should pay £1 when buying ice cream!!

maybe he was right to accuse me of being finicky recently. i had subconciously began to count the number of times when i have to cover expenses for the both of us, and counted the number of times when he would pay, and the number of times when the both of us actually offered to pay. since when had i become a little fussy green monster????

i guess things began brewing when i felt that i've been taken for granted, and there was no reciprocation. early on in the r/s, i would always offer to pay for most things (small amounts). since he comes over quite often, i had no qualms about buying breakfast, juice, snacks, ice creams, desserts, alcohol, wines etc etc for my flat. sometimes, when we were out, i would be spending more on drinks and cinema tickets. all these were alright, as they were small amounts anyway. sometimes i would buy him small gifts and little presents, a card, etc.

but after being together for so long, he has never offered to pay for things. sometimes, i find myself over spending for the both of us. as time goes by, i gradually found myself resenting this behaviour. it's not about the money per se, but it's about the idea of giving and sharing. i find that he has not done much in this aspect. but why should this be so?? he earns more than me and lives at home with his family where much is provided for. after so many months, i have not received a single gift or card from him, except for 2 bunches of flowers.

sometimes he was particular ungenerous... i was buying food for us in waitrose to bring back to cook. it was my turn to pay for that day's dinner, and he remarked that the cost was appropriate as it matched what he had paid the day before!! now i think that he was being finicky.. he had neglected to consider the bottles of wine which i had paid to go with the meals!! on another occasion, we went out for drinks in soho after a particularly nice meal. i didnt hold back on expenses, as i thought we were having a good time. i ended up spending £40 for drinks that evening, while he spent £24. but that was fine, since i offered to buy. the last straw happened in my flat. after going to the gym, we would always have a protein shake. both of us just bought a tub of protein each. i drank a serving from his tub, and the response from him was quick and furious. "Did i buy this tub of protein so that you can drink??" What???? Why did he say that? Before he had bought his tub of protein, we had finished 2 giant tubs of my own protein which i had brought all the way from singapore, and i would glady offer it to him without any questions asked.. i find it really unfair that i should be treated this way..

i find that the situation was unbalanced, and it came to a point where i felt that he is taking me for granted. that i am obliged to continue to provide things, and that he can just take take and take what he pleases. there is no thought from him to offer to contribute to expenses, or even to give some things back in return. in other words, there was no reciprocation.

maybe he has things too easy for him. he is well provided for at home. and quite often, his friends would buy him drinks and fancy dinners for free. but i believe that a r/s should be based on balanced principles, and i dont like to be take for granted... these feelings exploded during the argument.

i thought that he was the one being finicky, so how did i end up being the horrible green finicky monster myself??

the bad argument...

2008-10-02T17:06:00.004+01:00

arguments with andy are very difficult moments for me. they cause me much anguish, hurt and pain. i never want to fight. i just want to raise a concern, but he never listens to me. somehow, things get distorted along the way, and it results into hurtful fighting. i am not saying he is solely at fault. we both have a part to play. i really need some help here, please!! the arguments all follow a similar trend, and here's one example:

how can a phone conversation turn awry? especially after a very nice fantastic holiday together less than a week ago? i admit that i had started it. so the fault is entirely mine. my intention was to let andy know how hurt i feel sometimes, and how i feel that im not being appreciated enough. i dont want to be treated for granted in a relationship. it has to be fair and mutual. i cannot just give and give all the time without getting what i need in return. there must be some kind of reciprocation, so that both will feel that they are being cared for and feel special in our hearts. i am not demanding for the stars or moon. i am not so unreasonable. i want to feel good that's all. but i guess the way i delivered my message was very wrong and perhaps offensive to the uninitiated..

there were a few times when andy would stay overnight at my place, and he would leave the first thing next morning, even though it's not a work day. why do you have to leave for home so early when you dont have to work? it's barely 30 mins since we woke up!

"i have a long tiring train trip back. please try to understand i need to be back to rest!"

oh ok... but you can rest the whole afternoon and evening, do you really have to leave while i am still halfway through my morning cereal at the table???

i find it a bit rude that he wants to leave first thing in the morning even when he has no appointments planned. can you please put yourself in my scenario and consider how you would feel if your date/bf decides to bolt off while you are still dressing up from bed?

i have voiced my displeasure in the past before, but he still insisted in his own ways. no spare thoughts for my feelings at all.

can we try to come to a compromise please? "no. i need to get back home asap."

and that was on sunday morning...

ok.. i feel that you are treating my place like a hotel, you leave whenever you feel like!

opps.. that's when all hell broke loose. but it's too late to retract. as with previous arguments, andy is ultra sensitive to criticisms, and he got very defensive. come on, can he please try to understand the bigger picture that i am driving at? alas, it spiralled into chaos. how can i let my voice be heard without triggering such a response?

to be fair and objective, he does treat me well. perhaps in his own little ways. but these are my small little requests and my own small little needs. am i really that demanding?? i am just asking for consideration of my feelings. i just expect some form of compromise, some form of give and take, or taking the middle road, as i would never hesitate to do things that would please him. i think that will make the relationship much easier..

again, the disclaimer is that this is just from my perspective. he has a different version of course. hopefully there will be some reconcilliation from this blog, and not make things worse.

some feedback

2008-10-02T16:58:00.004+01:00

immediate comments from close friends were very supportive. i feel fortunate, yet somehow feeling sad. how should i describe my feelings? bittersweet!!!

yes, this blog is perhaps all about frustrations, big and small... some are so trivial, it probably looked ridiculous! ok.. i confess i am picky and demanding. i should let go of small things... but i am trying to!!! please help me!

as somebody said, perhaps the frustrations have been building up. hence this blog. but please understand that this blog is a vent out site for raw emotions. most are probably stupid and not warranted. i am not asking my friends to determine if things are fair or not. because ultimately, that does not matter. what matters is how to proceed from here. what should i do in the future? how can i make it better? how can i make things work?

some friends defended his actions, and could see where he was coming from. yes i agree. perhaps i have been too hard on him. i should stop doing that in the future. i know that he does care; in his own unique way.. i have also been known to be quite harsh at times, and perhaps quite critical. i guess i should tone down a bit. it will definitely help to make things better and smoother...

an egyptian holiday

2008-10-02T15:00:00.007+01:00

like i've said from the beginning, this is a blog about feelings, so dont expect a holiday itinerary here. and of course, since this is my blog, it will be from my own personal perspective. nevertheless, i will try to be as objective as possible.

it was a 5 full days of holiday in egypt. the itinerary was packed early morning till evenings, so there was not much time to rest and relax. we started off in cairo and giza. everything went according to clockwork, except at cairo airport. he was remanded by immigration for further checks. i was worried, and i obviously wanted to stay within view sight of him, so that i can help should anything happens. should i have ran after the marriott guy to arrange for transport while he was being held up? dont think so..

we had a female personal tour guide in luxor. when she was talking and explaining the sights, she was only looking at andy. she did glance at me once in a while, but she mostly ignored me while she talked. andy observed that too, and i was very pissed off with her. i had paid for her service, and i expected her to be polite and attentive. i felt discriminated against, as if i am not worthy of her tour. it was a hurtful feeling. but what can i do? im an asian with a white guy in post colonial egypt. andy didnt say much nor did he try to console me. but should i expect him to? maybe not, since he probably has never experienced racial discrimination.

i had expected luxor to be very Hot, as it is perpetually cloudless sky over there. the afternoon temperature reached 40deg, and we will be exploring all the outdoor sites (tombs and temples in the dessert) that day. i had expected the sun to be intense, so i packed along with me a white long sleeve shirt, since i didnt want to get burnt. however, i realised that andy did not bring a long sleeve along, so i offered him mine, as he burns easily. i was actually amazed at my own selfless act. did i expect anything in return? no not really, but a hug or a kiss will be nice. i got "thank you" though..

we went back to our hotel in luxor after the tour, feeling extremely exhausted as we started the morning at 5am. i had chosen the sheraton hotel to stay in, as i thought the facilities looked better. andy wanted another hotel as sheraton was undergoing renovation to a part of the building, and he didnt want the noise and dust etc. we had a long discussion over hotels during the planning, but i thought we had reached on a consensus. andy started to get really upset when we entered our room, as there was a smell of cigarette smoke and he could hear a bit of drilling in the distance. personally i was prepared for the slight inconvenience, as i had anticipated a bit of construction in the next wing, and the work will cease at 5pm as assured by the hotel staff. our room wasnt that bad, as it was a sheraton after all. but andy went into a minor fit and started to put the blame on me, as i didnt listened to him in choosing another hotel. i admitted it was probably my fault, but putting blames on a trip does not solve things. by that stage, i did not know how to console/please him, and i descended into the blaming game too. it was a brief fight, but made peace after a while. what should i have done at that point in time, i was at a loss trying to tame a raging bull??

the next day, we need to travel by road to hurghada, but due to some miscommunication with the hotel desk, our morning bus was screwed up, and we ended up looking for alternative transport which would cost £22 (instead of £3) each. andy was again very mad, and i found myself having to calm him down, and at the same time trying to negotiate with the pesky locals (money bloodsuckers) for alternatives. sometimes i wish he can take a bit of initiative to get things sorted, but sometimes he just adds to the stress. however, this was an easy case to solve, as money is king!!

andy suffered a mini crisis on the private transport to hurghada and it really worried me. we were in the middle of the dessert, with no facilities in sight. i will not go into details, but all i can say was that i tried to show all the support i could, and tried to encourage him on. i also had to deal with the pesky driver and asked him to get lost. i know andy was hurt in the process, and i tried to offer what i had on me to make him feel more comfortable. when we reached the hotel, andy was still very upset over the crisis. im not too sure, but i think he was upset with me for not being supportive enough.. but what could i have done otherwise to help??

the final day of our holiday, and i was feeling a bit ill, and had been taking paracetamol. it was a whole day of snorkeling, with 3 dives. i have snorkeled before, but somehow, i faced problems during our first snorkel which was near the beach. my mask was leaking and i could not breathe properly. i was getting more and more tired, and i began to struggle in the deep water. it reached the stage when i started to panic and started to gasp for breath. i think i might have drowned! it was a very frightful thought! i shouted out to the instructor who instinctively dragged me to shallower waters so that i could stand and become calm again. i felt very shaken; something really serious could have happened out there... but i recovered quickly and stayed on in the shallow water by the beach. i looked around for andy. where was he? he must be still out there snorkeling with the rest of the group. i waited for 5 mins by myself. 10 mins. 15 mins. 20 mins. he came back and asked me what happened and began telling me about the fishes and a crab he saw. by that time, i had gone from mild shock to great resentment. i was extremely upset that he didnt turn back for me in my greatest time of need. he was no where to be found. i think i nearly cried. where is my bf when i needed him for support? how am i to entrust my life in somebody who i thought i can depend on? in all sorts of trips/expeditions, i never ever lose sight of people i care for in my entire life. it's just some sort of innate responsibility to take care of each other. maybe this was built up in the military. but this trust came crashing that day... ultimately, i cannot rely on anyone else but myself. i was shell shocked and no words could help. actions speak louder than words. to be fair, andy said he was beside me one moment, saw me with the instructor the next moment, and he lost sight of me after that. he was worried. but i was too distraught to absorb anything.

on the 2nd dive, i was still facing problems. this time round, andy was right beside me to check on me. i had to use the life jacket for assistance. im glad that he stuck beside me, instead of swimming away to explore on his own. im glad he learnt some responsibility after the first lesson, but i do not know what to think. he was having some problems in the open sea too, with huge waves threatening to submerge us. we decided to head back to the ship after a while.

i definitely fell ill that evening, with a very bad sore throat and fever. my sinuses were all congested which made breathing slightly difficulty (maybe thats why difficulty in the water). we took an early morning flight back to london, and i was sick/unwell/exhausted beyond words. i cant get to sleep on flights (as usual). due to the blockage of my sinuses, i experienced extreme pain in my ear drums on descend. it was horrible. i would rather have one quick very sharp pain, instead of a protracted intense pain that threatened to blow my skull apart. "are u feeling alright?" he said. im not... cant you see that i am in pain? but what can he do? thanks for asking.

arrived london, and both of us fell sick, and took many days to nurse ourselves back to health.

planning for egypt

2008-10-02T14:37:00.000+01:00

i went on a trip to egypt with andy from 19-25 September 2008. it was a last minute decision. we decided on a monday, went to process our visa on tuesday, planned the trip from scratch in 3 days, and we were off on a friday.

the planning itself was fun. i was quite glad that andy was taking an active interest in the planning, as i was afraid i will end up doing all the planning again. he did try to stay up late to plan, so i give him credit for that. i was initially only planning on visiting cairo and luxor, but he was really keen in hurghada too. if that's what he wants, so i said sure lets do it; let's see how to plan that in. the red sea looked really cool and might be worth it.

slight hiccups occured along the way, and that was over the choice of hotels. i had wanted to keep costs down and opted for less prestigious hotels. andy was however more interested in a more comfortable stay. agreeing on a hotel in 3 different locations proved to be a minor obstacle, and we were still swapping hotels right up till we were heading for the airport. there were 2 late nights of planning, and andy was getting tired and was visibly irritated. im glad he realises the effort needed to put into planning, and that things do not fall into place by itself without doing the required research. we ultimately came to a consensus on the hotel choices, and i was very glad.

looks like it will be a very exciting trip ahead!!!

my very own blog!

2008-10-02T14:21:00.000+01:00

after much prompting and encouragement from my bestest mate, and after years of incitement by many other friends, i have decided to start my own blog.

this blog will not be a diary of what i have been doing day to day, but i will dedicate it to thoughts and feelings that affect me most. it is meant to be an avenue for me to pour out my emotions, and to compose the swirling ideas in my brain... so no attention will be paid to prose, and to spelling and grammar. just the raw emotions crying out to be heard.

Will K